Obligatory disclaimer: This is Paul and not Kristen. I am Kristen's lesser half.
(Paul insisted on writing about this, so I, Kristen, will add my comments in blue. I don't mind a good laugh at my expense, but some things need to be clarified. That, and I am controlling.) On the 10th of September we went to Manti for my niece's wedding. It was an early morning affair, with us leaving the house at about 7:30 am (I work night's, this is definitely early morning).
We dropped of the kids, picked my parents and Brady, and proceeded up Spanish Fork canyon. My dad, who in a different lifetime worked as a crash test engineer, proceeded to tell Kristen (who was driving, due to me working late the night before)
(who are we kidding, I drive a lot lately. Whether it be that Paul has allergies and can't wear his contacts, he worked late the night before, or the fact that he gets sleepy fast while driving so I am afraid that he will fall asleep at the wheel and kill us all....) that you should never swerve to miss an animal or obstacle. He had seen far too many horrible accidents involving people swerving and over correcting. Good advice.
(okay....don't swerve, don't swerve, don't swerve...)About 15 minutes down the road, there was a
(huge) dead deer on the road up ahead. Kristen was smart and slowed down to a respectable 15 MPH and approached the deer. Apparently, she values my dad's advice very, very much. I told her to go around. She froze and proceeded to go over the dead deer. Bumpeta, bumpeta.
(Crunch, crunch!!!! Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. I freeze a lot in life threatening situations.)We all laughed so hard, as we explained that in order to swerve you must be going a certain speed and that at 15 MPH it is merely going around an obstacle
(Yeah, yeah. I was hard laughing, too, but had to stop because laughing can be lethal when nauseous).
We finished laughing (about 20 minutes later), and continued to the temple parking lot. As we got out of the van, the smell hit us: a wave of the nauseating, semi-sweet, sour smell of rotting flesh
(gross. Paul!!). We moved away from the van, and flies, very quickly. We had no time to worry about it right then and went into the temple for the wedding.
After a very beautiful wedding ceremony, and some chilly pictures, we returned to the stench (minus Brady who said my van smelled too bad, and he would ride with some one else) to go to the wedding luncheon. It was horrible. We wandered around Ephriam in search of a car wash. We were so excited when we saw the "Sud's and Soap Car Wash" sign, but thoroughly confused when we realized it was in someone's front yard and there were not even any remnants of what may have been a car wash at one time.
Fortunately, we were lucky enough to find the local car wash at the other end of town, and have time to run through the $8 premium wash (with undercarriage wash) before the luncheon started. Unfortunately, the drive through car wash forced some smells into the car that did not agree with my beautiful pregnant wife, and we had a very quick, frantic, hunt for a spare barf bag. Fortunately, it was only a dry heave and nothing was produced. We rolled the windows down and proceeded to the luncheon location, enjoying the fresh air and very happy that the whole episode was over. Unfortunately, when we parked the car the wonderful fragrance was as strong as ever. We quickly put some distance between us and the offending odor, and enjoyed an excellent luncheon.
Whilst eating, we decided that we would need to run through the car wash again. This time, however, Kristen and my parents decided that they would spend their time at WalMart across the street (primarily to avoid another close call with the sensitive pregnant stomach, especially now that it was full)
(and to load up on air fresheners).
Somehow, I had convinced my brother that he should ride home with us. I decided that the undercarriage wash on the automatic car was was not strong enough, and that it was time to use the manual spray gun at the self-serve wash bay. I slid my debit card (first time I have seen a card reader at the self serve bay, in Ephriam nonetheless). I couldn't see under the van, not sure that I wanted too, so I did my best to spray everything underneath real well. After a couple minutes, my brother decided waiting in the car was not the best idea and he got out and stepped several yards away from van. From his vantage point, he could see the offending material. Hanging from our front axle was a significant amount of organic matter, shall we say. This included what appears to be either a bloated intestine or a stomach (deer anatomy, anyone?). Together, him guiding and me spraying, we were able to knock of the intestine/stomach (I wouldn't recommend bay number two at the Ephriam car wash to anyone for a while). I decided that another $8 premium wash would complete the cleanup, and we were on our way (for anyone counting, $8 initial, $6 spray gun, $8 final = $22 in car washes).
As we pulled up to pick up Kristen and the parent's, Kristen noticed "stuff" hanging from the front axle. Apparently, our spray gun efforts were only partially successful. We started towards Moroni, taking an alternate route home on the advice of a worker at the luncheon, as we had just enough time to get home for pictures before the reception. Partway to Moroni, I got a brilliant idea: If we drove on the shoulder, the grass and tumbleweed would "clean" the remaining deer material from the car and we would have a non-stinky van. Against Kristen's cries of protest, I decided that it was a go. Even though it seemed like we were driving at a 45 degree angle, I could feel the grass and shrubs doing their job. Validation of my genius, even it my wife was holding her head in her hands/arms and saying we were going to die
(I hate feeling like the car is going to tip over. Yes, I was screaming. And yes, I have control issues.).
We pulled back on the road and all was good. For about 3 minutes. Until the low tire pressure light came on. Fortunately, we were approaching Moroni. Two hours, a $20 bribe (to raise the van on the lift to remove any remaining organic material), and one solid piece of deer (perhaps part of a leg) later: we were on our way. I love small towns! They even power-washed the underside of the van. To top it all off, they gave me change from the $20 and only charged us for the tire change.
(The blessing of going to Moroni/Nephi way, and the blessing of Paul flattening the tire was 1. if we had gone back through Spanish Fork canyon, we would have not hit any towns, big or small, with a flat tire which, 2. would not have resulted in the mechanics pulling out deer matter and we would still be driving around with that awful stench.)We made it to the wedding reception only 30 minutes late, got in the pictures, and had probably the best time we have ever had at a reception (Sans our own, of course. Who can beat hundreds of people giving you presents. We need to get married again.). BTW - Who knew Dallin could break, cousin Tyler could bust it Napoleon style, and that I would dance with my girl Ellie (and even Kristen, when Ellie would allow it) for almost 2 hours!
Congratulations Britney and Sean! You gave us a day we will never, ever, forget.
